Couple things I learned… today?… yesterday?
- Some people are worth trusting
- Apparently, I act like I know what’s going on when I supposedly don’t. This one kind of hurt a bit.
I hate going out for the sake of not being alone. I despise the fact that I go out simply because I need something to do, because I need a distraction. From the fact that I feel so very alone. From the fact that I can’t help but think about the past, and the things that’ve happened, and the people I miss. Because, when I’m bored, I can’t help but let my mind wander. Wander to all the things I miss. To the innocence of childhood, to the peace that was self-imposed isolation, to the times in which there was no such thing as alienation.
Because, in the past, I was alone because I realized how harsh humanity was, because I trusted little in the hearts of others and knew that believing in others, believing in people, it hurts. I knew, from the beginning, that people aren’t things that you can completely trust.
Life is painful that way. Some things only bother you when you’ve experienced it. Like loneliness. I didn’t realize how terribly alone I was, because I was used to it. I understood what it was like to have to deal with being just me. Being alone, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. And it didn’t hurt so bad then. Because I didn’t know what it was like to have people I was close to.
And now, I’m going out because I don’t want to just sit idly by and think about how terribly lonely I feel. Because I’ve had enough with sitting alone in my room and thinking about how pathetic I am. Because I’m tired of despising myself for my mistakes, when nothing I can do can remedy or erase the past.
But it’s a terribly empty feeling. It’s hard to have fun, when you’re just going out to distract yourself. Because, eventually, you can’t help but have a moment where you’re just idle, a moment where there’s nothing to do, and you can’t help but remember the past.
I feel an unimaginably overbearing sense of love for my family and all my friends right now. Makes me giddy :)
One thing I learned today:
- When hell breaks loose, never talk to a woman. Your bros understand what you go through better. No offence to the females, of course, but bros will be bros. They don’t give a shit about what you do, because they do the same shit to you.
To be honest, I really miss you. But I’m trying to get over it. I’m trying to make things right again.
But it’s really hard when people bring it up. Because people are people. They gossip. They know nothing. They prattle on and on, merely to amuse themselves, because as humans, they cannot do anything but so.
And it really hurts. The more and more they talk about it, the more it hurts. I try to ignore them, but how do you ignore people when they’re talking straight at you? I’m really honestly trying to forgive and forget. Some things weren’t meant to be. I understand that. But people just make it so damn hard for me to remember that.
They talk about you, and I just can’t help but remember all the good times we had together. Well, that’s just an assumption, on my part. They were good for me though. That, I can make certain. But, the river flows. Life moves on. One can only hope that the river does not consume the soul as it consumes the heart. For the heart is like glass. It can be shattered again and again, but it can be repaired. Ugly, and disfigured, but repaired, and just as good as it once was. And, perhaps, through this cycle, one can learn to keep one’s heart careful.
Nevertheless, it hurts. I try to keep it from doing so, but it sears and burns.
Sometimes, I wonder if you still read my tumblr posts. If you are, I just want you to know that, while I’m in pain, I will get over it. You will go your path, and I will go mine. But maybe, just maybe, when I’ve become more mature, when I’ve come to love life a bit more, to realize that while the world burns, it also creates, maybe then we could meet again, and rejoice over the times we shared together. For from the cindering ashes, rises the mighty phoenix. One can only become great if one has experienced pain and suffering. I can only hope that I can learn from my past, and that you have as well.
Rationality is often my bane. Because I’ve ended up thinking too much. But, I realize that, in my folly, that instinctive impulse is also uncontrollable. It forces you to commit the insane, destroys the patience, and wears away one’s control. Perhaps in the middle lies the answer to my problems. Perhaps I can find happiness in mediation, as others before me have.
But, in short, I want you to know that I’m trying my best to get over missing you, and I hope that you can forgive me for what I’ve done. I’d become too dependent on you in the past, and that was always my downfall. I’ve learned from my mistakes. Perhaps it may be the wrong thing, and I thoroughly hope it isn’t. But, if it is, then time will tell. I will fall again, and rise out of the ashes, a phoenix. Or something of the sort.
I’m glad that you were in my life, and I hope you feel the same way. I grew so much from just being near you. I found that I do have friends, and that I do matter. And I appreciate it. While you may look back upon the times we spent together and see it as one of the worst times of your life, I am truly grateful for what you’ve done.
Thank you, and Ciao
MY GOD I AM SO BORED.
Everything I do, I don’t feel like doing it.
- I whipped out my viola when i got home… gave up
- Turned on the computer… 4 or 5 times… internet’s really slow… still bored
- Tried reading… several times… almost fell asleep
- Tried sleeping… lay in bed for an hour
- Listened to music… and i just… gave up
- Walked around outside… came back in
But I really do hate being bored. Because I end up having too much time to think. About the past, and my mistakes. The things I screwed up in my childhood. The idiocy of my adolescence. And the things that’ve happened now.
It just leaves me with an impending sense of despair. It’s amusing. In a dark way. I don’t know who to turn to. And, I don’t know what to talk about. How do you define yourself in insubstantial things such as words? And how do you talk about who you are with people you don’t really talk to? How can you tell people what’s wrong, if even you yourself don’t know?
What am I supposed to do? I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t think I never knew. I knew what I liked, and what I enjoyed, but I never discovered myself.
The only reason I’m typing this post is because I am so unbearably bored, and I don’t want to let my mind wander. Because, it’d hurt too much.
Ciao
P.S. I hate how incredibly whiny and hopeless I sound in this post. I guess that’s what happens when I’m bored…
It’s a new moon tonight. Beautiful, but slightly sad…
There you go messing with my mind
I am usually better when I lie
There I go, stuck inside a shell
And you’re living on the other side, a lovers’ carousel
If you only knew
Oh, I lose control
When I hear your body move
Through the walls
In the next room
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
— Irvin D. Yalom (Love’s Executioner: & Other Tales of Psychotherapy)
and more difficult to learn than I have said.
You are right to smudge it that way
with the red and then
the orange: the world burns.
Once dying to live, now living to die.
- fee for the funeral director’s services: $1,500
- cost for a casket: $2,300
- embalming: $500
- cost for using the funeral home for the actual funeral service: $500
- cost of a grave site: $1,000
- cost to dig the grave: $600
- cost of a grave liner or outer burial container: $1,000
- cost of a headstone: $1,500
*Newspaper obituary, flowers, funeral procession, and other Asian funeral services not included
Total Price: Over $10,000
The only reason I’m still alive is because it costs too much to die.
